Life Support: This diet will keep you skinny as a 12-year-old

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

By Mark Patinkin

Now that summer is here, diet books are big. Sift through the latest best sellers and you'll find "The Fat Smash Diet," "Intuitive Eating," "Ultra-Metabolism" and more.

Personally, I think most are gimmicks, but today, I have a guaranteed new diet tested for years on subjects who virtually never get fat. In fact, they're downright skinny.

I'm calling it the "12-Year-Old-Boy Diet."

Admittedly, it goes against every standard on fat content, calories and nutrition. Frankly, it's partly my job to make one particular 12-year-old boy avoid it.

But when I'm not looking, he and his friends follow the diet anyway. And it clearly works.

So today, I'd like to outline a brief version for any publisher looking for the next best-selling diet book.

To protect the guilty, I'll call my primary subject "Zach" -- not his full name.

Taking out my notepad, I asked what he has for breakfast.

"Oreo Klondikes," he said. "I mean, if you guys aren't around." "You guys" is code for "parents."

Oreo Klondikes are hockey-puck-sized Oreos with ice cream in the middle. They are high in fat and everything else bad for you, but I can only assume they reset the metabolism in some way, because Zach is skinny, so I advise other dieters to try them for breakfast when no one's looking.

You'll be pleased to know the 12-Year-Old-Boy Diet allows for plenty of snacking. I asked Zach what he eats between breakfast and lunch.

"Fruit by the Foot," he said.

This is a long, chewy, flavored tape. Some versions have an added benefit. "They tattoo your tongue," he explained. "Like with footprints."

Who wouldn't want purple tattoos of footprints on his tongue?

Let's talk lunch. The 12-Year-Old-Boy Diet is based in part on impatience, so things have to be prepared in a minute or less. Therefore, the usual fare is Spaghetti-Os with Meatballs or Easy Mac. You may not think pasta and beef in heavy cheese sauce is a good dieting choice, but as I said, Zach and all his friends eat this way and don't gain weight, so it must work.

Did I mention that another part of the diet is to avoid your glass of milk in favor of sneaking a Coke? A diligent follower will sneak enough soda to equal 9 percent of the Coca-Cola company's quarterly income.

Instead of waiting until the next meal, followers of the 12-Year-Old-Boy Diet eat every 27 minutes throughout the afternoon, with emphasis on chips. For variety, you can try popcorn, heavy on the butter, or Reese's Peanut Butter Cups stolen from the hidden candy storage area. Part of this diet involves knowing where everything is hidden.

The preferred dinner fare, of course, is pizza -- as much of it as possible.

As I said, it must be a metabolism thing.

Now the most important twist. Get yourself caught up in various activities during the evening, and just before bedtime, realize you want a huge dessert. This brings us to the classic 12-year-old boy's sundae.

I asked Zach to explain the ingredients.

"Half chocolate ice cream," he said, "half vanilla. Chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, marshmallows, chocolate chips and a lot of whipped cream." If you go too light on the whipped cream, you can always spray more directly into the mouth. My test subjects prove that going to bed soon after such a dessert leads to no weight gain.

That does it. I will have my agent set up a live auction for publishers who want rights to the book. Bidding will start at $1 million. Nerds Rope will be served as appetizers.

And one final caution for future followers of the diet: Make sure your parents aren't looking.

Posted from http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06206/708259-51.stm